january 28, 2016
my dearest Pixie,
when was the last time I wrote you a letter?
God knows when.
i’m so sorry.
months have rolled by easily and waking up with you everyday reminds me how many precious times have slipped by. some of them goes unnoticed even. but i want to change that again because this new year i did intend to be more brave, more creative and more present, so this is me attempting to write to you. some i won’t have to post publicly and just keep in a journal but some i’d love to share to the world, too. 
because look at you! you’ve grown into someone i am way so proud of. the way you beam happily when you wake up in the morning and say, “Mama, look, it’s a sunny day!” is even enough to lift up my spirits. and how magical you look always even at your sleep, it still squeezes my heart. i can never comprehend how blessed i am to become your Mama 3 years ago. and now, you’re just 7 months away from turning 4.friggin.years.old. i get a bit panic (no, that’s a lie, i am terrified!) at that thought really but at the same time, i am incredibly filled with that profound excitement to see you shape your own path, discovering your own little and big dreams. these days you’ve been proudly telling me, “Mama, I’m a grown up now, I’m not a baby anymore.” And all I could do was giggle at how amusing you are no matter how bittersweet it all sounded. you’ve become truly independent and confident building your own strong character. maybe you got it from me. being brave.
so Pixie, there’s something you needed to know. i wasn’t sure if i was going to share this to the world too but i reminded myself we all fight our own battles and what matters is that you’ll hear it from me first.
earlier this month, i finally had the courage to take my mammogram done for my existing “breast cysts” that i found out almost 8 years ago. they were previously diagnosed as benign then in 2008 so life moved on, i got married to your Papa, got pregnant with you, breastfed you for 2 yrs and 2 months and when that stopped, i had to wait at least a year after before i could go through another exam. and so when we were able to move to Australia last year in June and got settled, i finally called for an appointment only at the start of this new year 2016. i don’t want to put you in any drama really but while i waited in the mammogram room, i fought hard for any tears to come out and emptied my mind because that’s me — putting up a brave attitude amidst it all – coz i didn’t want to let any negativity to shroud my thoughts at all. i almost got drowned with those ‘what if’ questions in my head but i pushed it away. i flipped on some random magazines they let you read in the lab while you wait. and wait. after the ordeal of that first mammogram, an ultrasound was done consecutively too. i saw the ‘cysts’ thru the screen again and prayed silently they were not what i feared to be. i was then told to get a biopsy scheduled next. that was a friday and it felt like the longest fridaaaaaaay of my life. to go through a biopsy was probably a simple procedure but something i dreaded since. i told only a few so they can pray for me too. when Monday came, i got a call early morning from the laboratory just to confirm the schedule of that biopsy and telling me there was no female surgeon who can do it. and i said i didn’t mind any available male surgeon anyway. that was an 8am call. About 3 hrs later, i got another call again from the laboratory. after i put down the phone, all those fear buried deep down in me puffed out like smoke. I no longer could fight back the tears and you saw me crying like a baby beside you.
“Mama, why are you crying?” (you and your sweet sweet voice echoed in my ears)
“I’m okay, Pixie. Mama is just h–a—p–p–y. I can be here for you forever.”
“Ooohkaaayyy, I love you Mama.”
And I hugged you so tight, it was hard to breathe, while being drenched in tears.
I called your Papa to tell him that the clinic have cancelled the biopsy exam as they concluded no necessity to do it and the final reports from the mammogram indicated they were all fibroadenomas, the type of cyst/tumour that are non-cancerous. although there’s still a need for me to go through another mammogram again in the next 6 months (then yearly after that) to monitor the condition closely, i have never felt relieved with that miraculous feeling again since after your birth.
So that became another huge turning point and more than ever, it renewed my gratitude in this life we’re given. for now, let us, as always (and I mean always) stay thankful, take things one at a time, continue living healthier too as much as we all can and whatever it is on the next bend, we shall face it bravely together. I know learning to be a parent in every way for you doesn’t come always easy, too. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, with all of the time I get to spend with you and your Papa, whatever it takes to celebrate life — all the chaos in between, any sadness, troubles or challenges that may make us lose our tracks. there’s no right or wrong map for this for sure but for as long as we appreciate each day as they come, bottle up all the joy, it’s enough to keep us feel truly alive.
staying brave for you,
Mama
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